A Difficult Path

Being stagnant for 4 years, I totally lost all my confidence. I knew deep down that I needed to do something. Looking at those Christian writers, players(sports), singers, that feeling of doing something became greater that it frustrates me not to able to do anything.

Every time I went to our bible study, each and everyone of us have our own interpretation of the passage. Some of them about working abroad, some about their difficulties, but as for me, I knew God was calling me to do something for him. I had a hint about what I needed to do, what I was called to do. I always thought that it would be something I can only do, I thought that he’ll be using my talent. But no.. He wants to use me beyond my capabilities.

June last year, a day after our bible study, I did my quiet time. As I was reading the bible, it felt like I was really having a conversation with God with that passage. I knew he was talking to me while I was reading Jeremiah 1. I got really excited after my quiet time and thought that maybe I’ll be able to work as a nurse now. Few minutes after my quiet time, my spiritual mother texted me if it’s okay for her call me, I said yes then she called me instantly. She told me about earning units in psychology.

I never thought about psychology, after hearing it, I knew that this is where the Lord is leading me. I knew that my mother would be against it, so I prayed before talking to her that I’ll be able to convince her. I saved up all my courage before I talked to her about it. I was right, she really was against it, then after a while she agreed that I’ll be taking up units in psychology. I enrolled immediately, that’s when my life started to move and make sense.

I was guided all throughout every lectures, every exam, every quizzes, requirements and papers. This is the first time that I was struggling. I wasn’t struggling during my previous years of education since childhood at all. God helped me gain high grades, and I offer my grades to Him. I couldn’t really get those kinds of grades without him.

Now, I’m on my second semester, and since I’m only earning units, this is the last semester I’m gonna take before going taking Masters in Psychology. But something happened, my mother and I argued again. She was angry because she said that she don’t know what my future will be in Psychology. I knew that they wanted me to take up Civil Engineering for our business, that’s 4 years, I don’t want to study engineering anymore. When I was taking up nursing, I really tried my best for them to allow me to shift to CE, but I failed. Now, they want me to take up CE, but I already have a change of heart.

I prayed and did my quiet time, asking God to tell me what’s his will for me and I’ll follow it. I told him about the argument my mother and I had and that I told her that I’m doing my best for my self. I also asked God if he could tell me in a direct way what he wants me to do. After praying and doing my quiet time, my mother called after a minutes, she apologized to me which she rarely do. I wanted to cry after the call but couldn’t cause my sister’s with me. God answered my prayer immediately.

My sister and I went out with my parents that day, she suddenly told me that I could work while doing my Masters, she just suddenly said that with a low voice so that my parents wouldn’t be able to hear it who are seated at the front seat of the car and my father at the driver’s seat. I told her I already thought about it since I knew that parents won’t be supporting me anymore since they want me to take up CE. The only time that they would be willing to spend is when I follow what they want me to do.

I talked to a friend of mine and told her that I’ll start looking for nursing jobs, and wished that there’ll be a part time job for me while doing my Masters. That would also help me in the finances that I needed to go to Cambodia since the ministry wants me to go there.She told me about a part-time job at the animal bite center, I got excited about it and prayed and asked God at night if this is the path I should be taking. The next day, my friend told me that YDF (Youth Development Facilitator) came to her mind that night, the on my back and arms stood and I wanted to cry. I knew in that moment that that was God’s answer . God answered immediately. God answers every prayer without delay, that’s what i thought while my friend was talking. I decided to go for it. Then I realized that I was running away from it by using every circumstances I had. The problem I had before was that I was living far away and I couldn’t go out that much, and so now I’m living in a city where I needed to do the ministry. The next problem I had was that I was too afraid about my parents not letting me do it, I was afraid that I’ll be abandoned by them, and now I decided that I’ll become a YDF and not tell them yet, I’ll tell them after I start doing the job that I needed to do. Next is the finances that I need, I know God will provide it but I still worry about it especially now that I’ll be going to Cambodia for a women’s conference.

Now that I decided to do what God’s will for me, I’m now thinking on how I’m going to do it. When I say it’s beyond my capabilities, It’s literally beyond me. God spoke to me through my dreams, showing me 3 big clay bowls, a heavy butterfly, the souls and the rapture, the attacks that the enemies will be making, 3 human sized fishes. It all made sense to me. I asked my self, how can God give me such important job? Doing the ministry, to become a fisher of men. How can someone like me do that?

I don’t know how to connect with people, I’m sure that a lot of people from the ministry don’t like me since I don’t really talk that much since I sometimes get intimidated by the way they talk so people ignore me, there are only few people who are willing to be with me. A lot of them are extroverted, there are some who are introverted by they still know how to connect or talk to others. You see, this is really beyond me, but I’m still going to do it since this is what I’m called to do.

But this question keeps popping out of my head, Why me? This is going to be a difficult path for me. I’m going out of my comfort zone. But this one I’m sure of, I won’t be alone since God is with me.