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Loneliness, Emptiness, Sadness…

When you feel alone and empty inside, what do you usually do? Do you cry yourself to sleep? Look for something or someone in this world that can fill the void in your heart? Depend on others for your happiness? Strive for success? Make yourself busy each and every day? Party all night?

No matter what I do, no matter who’s with me, no matter how happy people see me, deep inside, I can’t get this feeling out of me.

You’re not alone, everyone can feel these things deep inside.

Every day is a struggle. Trying your best to get through the day. I, myself have struggles that even my family or friends won’t understand. They’ll think you’re just being overdramatic.

Some people chose to end their lives because they can’t take it anymore.

What am I saying anyway? I’m just writing what I really feel.

I feel empty, alone and sad. I want to be alone and cry my heart out. There are times that I feel like I don’t want to live in this word anymore, but only one thing is stopping me. It’s not Family, Friends or my special someone, it’s God. I don’t want him to be disappointed with me, I don’t want him to be sad because of what I’ll do.

I have a weak heart, I’m not intelligent, I don’t have any skills like others have, I don’t have good character, I sometimes can’t contain my feelings, I’m broken and I’m already torn into pieces, I don’t have any confidence left in me. But I depend on God. He’s my only strength, I cry out to him and I know that he listens, he answers my prayers and blesses me with a lot of things, he is the only reason that I do my best to live my life each and every day.

I’m not perfect at all, I’m not a perfect Christian. I make a lot of mistakes and I sin.

There are times that I can’t feel God’s presence, but I know that he’s still there, watching and listening.

This loneliness, emptiness, and sadness, they never go away, I’m only human after all and I’m still living in this world. These feelings will come and go.

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Brokenness

That feeling when you can see how unfairly you’ve been treated compared to your siblings. That feeling when your heart is being crushed so many times but you continue to love them. That feeling when you’re trying to hold back your tears and you decided to just keep quiet even though it’s painful because no matter what you say, they won’t understand how you feel, they’ll only see your faults and it will turn out you’re the one who feels guilty.

It’s so painful, my heart is aching. But no one will understand. Is it because I’m the eldest that’s why I’m being treated like this? Or is it because they got married because they had me even though they don’t love and understand each other?

They broke me, I have been feeling this way since I can remember.

Maybe I’m at fault here. Maybe I’m just blaming them for everything.

Vacation Day 3

Waking up early in the morning is worth it after seeing the dolphins.

We woke up at 4am to get ready for the day and took a picture of the sunrise. We then went to see the dolphins.

The weather was really good for the dolphin viewing. We then rode a boat and went to the deepest part of the ocean.

The dolphins were swimming beautifully and they’re always together and it looks like the were playing.

We then hurried back to the resort and got ready to leave to go to Cebu, Philippines.

Just before going to the barge, we passed by the boardwalk at Tanjay Dumaguete City. The place was really beautiful with the old mangroves and a maze like path.

We then went to Cebu, but before going to the City, we visited Simala. It’s a really nice place to visit, and people say that you can receive miracles from their through healing, granting wishes and all. The view from up there is really beautiful and breathtaking.

There’s a place there that we should take off our shoes, you should not wear reveling clothes. Skirts and shorts should be below the knee. I wore jeans just to play safe, and it was really hot there so it’s just right that I wore it.

I advice that you should bring umbrellas, water, you can’t wear your hat/cap inside.

After visiting Simala, we went for an hour or two travel to the city and checked in at Shejejo Poshtel Hotel, a capsule hotel.

Vacation Day 2

2nd day of vacation, they woke us up early in the morning just to go Whale watching, but it didn’t go as planned because the boat we were going to ride won’t start so we decided to go whale watching tomorrow instead.

We were waiting for another boat and we went to a sand bar, it is called Manjuyod White Sand Bar. They say the place is like Maldives.

The water is not that deep in that place and there’s a lot of vendors on the boat.

We stayed there til afternoon.

It’s really nice there, the water is clear, the sand is white, you can see the fishes clearly.

The place was windy. It has a very nice scenery. A very good place to relax.

I lost the screw of my bracelet there and I’m not really used of not wearing my bracelet.

Even though my bracelet is not perfect or complete anymore, I still want it, I still need it so I’m gonna keep it even though I can’t use it.

I can’t wear my bracelet and I’m not used to it, but I need to move on.

Vacation Day 1

We traveled at 2am to go to Dapitan, Philippines. I slept during the travel, but when I woke up, we have traveled far already. I’ve seen a lot of beautiful places, passed by the mountains, rice fields, and the ocean. 

At 2pm, we’ve finally reached our destination. We visited the place where our national hero, Jose Rizal, has lived, where his clinic is, his dating place with his wife Josephine.

His home is really nice, the place is really historical.

My most favorite place is the “Mi Retiro Rock”.

This is where he spent many hours watching the sunset, and it is where he and his wife Josephine Bracken exchanged their vows to become husband and wife.

The Odd One Out

Let’s face it, there’s nothing new about it. There will always be someone in the family who’s different from the rest, and one good example of it is me.

Yes, I’m different. They’re talented and I’m not. Both my brother and sister knows how to sketch, they’re artistic, they’ve got such lovely voices, they’re both great dancers, my brother knows how to play musical instruments by just listening and looking at people playing them, they’re great at school, people love them, they’re pretty and handsome. And as for me, I’m just average, normal person, different from them, and it’s really painful when your parents are the ones who tells you that and your family laughs at you because of that.

I’m the odd one out, I’m different, I don’t have great talent, I’m an introvert(and they hated that about me). What they’re saying is slowly eating me up, I’m afraid that I’m starting to become whatever they define me. I don’t know myself anymore.

I wish someone can help me know who I truly am, Someone who can let the real me out. But too bad, I’m the only one who can do that. Maybe God can give me someone who can help me. Cause I might be sensitive to other people’s feelings, I can see their talents, I can help them find their selves, but I can’t do that to myself.

What a strange blog I’m writing today.

Well anyway, Being the different one, the odd one, or whatever they call it is really frustrating. You know you have something great inside of you, but you don’t know what it is.

I Was Unwanted

Have you ever felt unloved? That no one understands you? That no matter what you do, it’s not enough. You wanted to prove something but you can’t do it because you already knew that no matter what you do, it’s not enough and only the bad things in you are what they see. You don’t understand why they treat you differently, you don’t know why they can’t accept what you wanted and needed they just keep on controlling your life.

I was an unwanted child. My mom got pregnant with my dad at the age of 27, but she doesn’t want to marry him because she loves someone else and because she still wants to do a lot of things for her life. She didn’t want me, she planned to abort me, then my dad told her not to do it because I’m a living human being inside her womb. So she thought of something else, she was thinking to run away from everybody else and be a single mom.

So she met up with the guy she loves for the last time and didn’t tell him anything about me or her plans. Then she flew back home again to prepare for her plans. What she didn’t know is that my dad did prayer and fasting for her to marry him. And her decision changed in a snap without even knowing what my father did.Prayer is really powerful, right?

Prayer is really powerful, right?

I remembered that she told me before that during her pregnancy with me, she wasn’t careful at all. She played the slide, the swing, but I was really holding on. She told me I was strong.

When I was born, she told me that they seldom hear me cry. I wasn’t even crying when there were thunders. Growing up, I always make mischiefs, but I was also scared because of the punishment(spanking using the belt til I got bruises on both my arms and legs). I grew scared, empty and didn’t care about anything. I always get bullied a lot because it seems like I’m different from other children. I make stories and the only things that can make me happy are to read books and be inside my own world.

Even at a young age, I already thought of ending my life or running away. But I didn’t do it. I always kept thinking that everything will change when I grow up.

Every time I open up to my mom, it always ended up with arguments and me being slapped on the face. She’s more strict with me than my siblings. I was programmed to follow whatever she told me through fear. She wants me to stay at home, I can’t even go wherever I want and enjoy my time with my friends. And my confidence faded away, that’s why until now, I still don’t have a job.

Well, recently she changed a little, but just a little bit.

I still feel empty sometimes, I can’t get the love that I need from my mom. I even cried after passing the board exam because I can see and feel it that she’s not proud of me.

No matter what I do, it’s not enough. I can’t get the love, I can’t get my freedom. I’m still chained and there are a lot of times that I wanted to give up. But I’ll still keep fighting. I know that I’m not alone in this fight. I know that God knows my pain, and one day, He will take all this pain away from me.

I confronted my mom one time, I told her that I knew that I was unwanted and abortion was one of her options, I saw her guilty look on her face and then she denied it. I confronted her because even though I know how unfairly she treated me, my sister and brother saw that I was treated differently from them, even our maid saw it too and I want it to stop.

She always tells us that she’s treating the three of us fairly, but I can’t see that happening.

I’m really weak, and I only got my strength from God. He’s the only one who can make me happy; he’s the only one who can truly love me; he gave me my freedom; he gave me my life; he understands me, my pains, my happiness, etc.; and he forgives me no matter how sinful I am, no matter how undeserving I am.

I also blamed myself since I was the reason why she didn’t end up marrying the guy she loves, and why she gave up her goals and dreams in life.

To be honest, I’m crying while I’m writing this. I’m so thankful that God is always there for me, protecting me all the time.

I will never give up my life, and I will be patiently waiting for my assigned time to leave this world.

Even if I’m in pain, I still love my parents, because no matter what I do, they’re still my parents.

I was wanted and it ruined my life, but it doesn’t really matter to me now because I know that God loves me unconditionally.