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I Will be Still

As I was traveling from Cebu to Negros with my family, lyrics from the song “still” came to my mind, and when Jesus calmed the storm in Mark4:35-41.

We were about 30mins away from our destination and the sky was getting darker. As i looked at the island that we were going, I knew that it’s already raining there.

Light rain started to fall and i didn’t went inside to shelter my self from the rain for a couple of minutes. That was the time when the lyrics came,

“I will be still and know you are God”.

And the verses from the bible when Jesus calmed the storm:

Mark 4:35-41

35 That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.”

36 Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him.
37 A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped.
38 Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

39 He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

40 He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

41 They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

I realized that my heart have been in turmoil, it’s like I’m experiencing a storm inside.

I was afraid, although I kept thinking and saying that I will trust God. I’m gonna follow his will for me. But after reading this book:

I finally realized that deep inside, I was really afraid. Afraid of the future, afraid of what might be God’s will for me, afraid of trusting God with everything.

Then this afternoon, the song and the verse came to my mind and heart. It made me realize that God will always be there for you no matter what.

I should not be afraid and face the storm.

We’re not the only ones who will face it, Jesus is there to save us. He already saved us by dying on the cross, surely that he will also be with us through the storms of our lives.

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Loneliness, Emptiness, Sadness…

When you feel alone and empty inside, what do you usually do? Do you cry yourself to sleep? Look for something or someone in this world that can fill the void in your heart? Depend on others for your happiness? Strive for success? Make yourself busy each and every day? Party all night?

No matter what I do, no matter who’s with me, no matter how happy people see me, deep inside, I can’t get this feeling out of me.

You’re not alone, everyone can feel these things deep inside.

Every day is a struggle. Trying your best to get through the day. I, myself have struggles that even my family or friends won’t understand. They’ll think you’re just being overdramatic.

Some people chose to end their lives because they can’t take it anymore.

But remember, You are NOT ALONE.

I feel empty, alone and sad. I want to be alone and cry my heart out. There are times that I feel like I don’t want to live in this world anymore, but only one thing is stopping me. It’s not Family, Friends or my special someone, it’s God. I don’t want him to be disappointed with me, I don’t want him to be sad because of what I’ll do.

I have a weak heart, I’m not intelligent, I don’t have any skills like others have, I don’t have good character, I sometimes can’t contain my feelings, I’m broken and I’m already torn into pieces, I don’t have any confidence left in me. But I depend on God. He’s my only strength, I cry out to him and I know that he listens, he answers my prayers and blesses me with a lot of things, he is the only reason that I do my best to live my life each and every day.

I’m not perfect at all, I’m not a perfect Christian. I make a lot of mistakes and I sin.

There are times that I can’t feel God’s presence, but I know that he’s still there, watching and listening.

This loneliness, emptiness, and sadness, they never go away, I’m only human after all and I’m still living in this world. These feelings will come and go.

Brokenness

That feeling when you can see how unfairly you’ve been treated compared to your siblings. That feeling when your heart is being crushed so many times but you continue to love them. That feeling when you’re trying to hold back your tears and you decided to just keep quiet even though it’s painful because no matter what you say, they won’t understand how you feel, they’ll only see your faults and it will turn out you’re the one who feels guilty.

It’s so painful, my heart is aching. But no one will understand. Is it because I’m the eldest that’s why I’m being treated like this? Or is it because they got married because they had me even though they don’t love and understand each other?

They broke me, I have been feeling this way since I can remember.

Maybe I’m at fault here. Maybe I’m just blaming them for everything.

Vacation Day 3

Waking up early in the morning is worth it after seeing the dolphins.

We woke up at 4am to get ready for the day and took a picture of the sunrise. We then went to see the dolphins.

The weather was really good for the dolphin viewing. We then rode a boat and went to the deepest part of the ocean.

The dolphins were swimming beautifully and they’re always together and it looks like the were playing.

We then hurried back to the resort and got ready to leave to go to Cebu, Philippines.

Just before going to the barge, we passed by the boardwalk at Tanjay Dumaguete City. The place was really beautiful with the old mangroves and a maze like path.

We then went to Cebu, but before going to the City, we visited Simala. It’s a really nice place to visit, and people say that you can receive miracles from their through healing, granting wishes and all. The view from up there is really beautiful and breathtaking.

There’s a place there that we should take off our shoes, you should not wear reveling clothes. Skirts and shorts should be below the knee. I wore jeans just to play safe, and it was really hot there so it’s just right that I wore it.

I advice that you should bring umbrellas, water, you can’t wear your hat/cap inside.

After visiting Simala, we went for an hour or two travel to the city and checked in at Shejoje Poshtel Hotel, a capsule hotel.

Vacation Day 2

2nd day of vacation, they woke us up early in the morning just to go Whale watching, but it didn’t go as planned because the boat we were going to ride won’t start so we decided to go whale watching tomorrow instead.

We were waiting for another boat and we went to a sand bar, it is called Manjuyod White Sand Bar. They say the place is like Maldives.

The water is not that deep in that place and there’s a lot of vendors on the boat.

We stayed there til afternoon.

It’s really nice there, the water is clear, the sand is white, you can see the fishes clearly.

The place was windy. It has a very nice scenery. A very good place to relax.

I lost the screw of my bracelet there and I’m not really used of not wearing my bracelet.

Even though my bracelet is not perfect or complete anymore, I still want it, I still need it so I’m gonna keep it even though I can’t use it.

I can’t wear my bracelet and I’m not used to it, but I need to move on.

Vacation Day 1

We traveled at 2am to go to Dapitan, Philippines. I slept during the travel, but when I woke up, we have traveled far already. I’ve seen a lot of beautiful places, passed by the mountains, rice fields, and the ocean. 

At 2pm, we’ve finally reached our destination. We visited the place where our national hero, Jose Rizal, has lived, where his clinic is, his dating place with his wife Josephine.

His home is really nice, the place is really historical.

My most favorite place is the “Mi Retiro Rock”.

This is where he spent many hours watching the sunset, and it is where he and his wife Josephine Bracken exchanged their vows to become husband and wife.

The Odd One Out

Let’s face it, there’s nothing new about it. There will always be someone in the family who’s different from the rest, and one good example of it is me.

Yes, I’m different. They’re talented and I’m not. Both my brother and sister knows how to sketch, they’re artistic, they’ve got such lovely voices, they’re both great dancers, my brother knows how to play musical instruments by just listening and looking at people playing them, they’re great at school, people love them, they’re pretty and handsome. And as for me, I’m just average, normal person, different from them, and it’s really painful when your parents are the ones who tells you that and your family laughs at you because of that.

I’m the odd one out, I’m different, I don’t have great talent, I’m an introvert(and they hated that about me). What they’re saying is slowly eating me up, I’m afraid that I’m starting to become whatever they define me. I don’t know myself anymore.

I wish someone can help me know who I truly am, Someone who can let the real me out. But too bad, I’m the only one who can do that. Maybe God can give me someone who can help me. Cause I might be sensitive to other people’s feelings, I can see their talents, I can help them find their selves, but I can’t do that to myself.

What a strange blog I’m writing today.

Well anyway, Being the different one, the odd one, or whatever they call it is really frustrating. You know you have something great inside of you, but you don’t know what it is.