Have you ever felt unloved? That no one understands you? That no matter what you do, it’s not enough. You wanted to prove something but you can’t do it because you already knew that no matter what you do, it’s not enough and only the bad things in you are what they see. You don’t understand why they treat you differently, you don’t know why they can’t accept what you wanted and needed they just keep on controlling your life.
I was an unwanted child. My mom got pregnant with my dad at the age of 27, but she doesn’t want to marry him because she loves someone else and because she still wants to do a lot of things for her life. She didn’t want me, she planned to abort me, then my dad told her not to do it because I’m a living human being inside her womb. So she thought of something else, she was thinking to run away from everybody else and be a single mom.
So she met up with the guy she loves for the last time and didn’t tell him anything about me or her plans. Then she flew back home again to prepare for her plans. What she didn’t know is that my dad did prayer and fasting for her to marry him. And her decision changed in a snap without even knowing what my father did.Prayer is really powerful, right?
Prayer is really powerful, right?
I remembered that she told me before that during her pregnancy with me, she wasn’t careful at all. She played the slide, the swing, but I was really holding on. She told me I was strong.
When I was born, she told me that they seldom hear me cry. I wasn’t even crying when there were thunders. Growing up, I always make mischiefs, but I was also scared because of the punishment(spanking using the belt til I got bruises on both my arms and legs). I grew scared, empty and didn’t care about anything. I always get bullied a lot because it seems like I’m different from other children. I make stories and the only things that can make me happy are to read books and be inside my own world.
Even at a young age, I already thought of ending my life or running away. But I didn’t do it. I always kept thinking that everything will change when I grow up.
Every time I open up to my mom, it always ended up with arguments and me being slapped on the face. She’s more strict with me than my siblings. I was programmed to follow whatever she told me through fear. She wants me to stay at home, I can’t even go wherever I want and enjoy my time with my friends. And my confidence faded away, that’s why until now, I still don’t have a job.
Well, recently she changed a little, but just a little bit.
I still feel empty sometimes, I can’t get the love that I need from my mom. I even cried after passing the board exam because I can see and feel it that she’s not proud of me.
No matter what I do, it’s not enough. I can’t get the love, I can’t get my freedom. I’m still chained and there are a lot of times that I wanted to give up. But I’ll still keep fighting. I know that I’m not alone in this fight. I know that God knows my pain, and one day, He will take all this pain away from me.
I confronted my mom one time, I told her that I knew that I was unwanted and abortion was one of her options, I saw her guilty look on her face and then she denied it. I confronted her because even though I know how unfairly she treated me, my sister and brother saw that I was treated differently from them, even our maid saw it too and I want it to stop.
She always tells us that she’s treating the three of us fairly, but I can’t see that happening.
I’m really weak, and I only got my strength from God. He’s the only one who can make me happy; he’s the only one who can truly love me; he gave me my freedom; he gave me my life; he understands me, my pains, my happiness, etc.; and he forgives me no matter how sinful I am, no matter how undeserving I am.
I also blamed myself since I was the reason why she didn’t end up marrying the guy she loves, and why she gave up her goals and dreams in life.
To be honest, I’m crying while I’m writing this. I’m so thankful that God is always there for me, protecting me all the time.
I will never give up my life, and I will be patiently waiting for my assigned time to leave this world.
Even if I’m in pain, I still love my parents, because no matter what I do, they’re still my parents.
I was wanted and it ruined my life, but it doesn’t really matter to me now because I know that God loves me unconditionally.