The Real Me..

Living life by not being yourself..

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​​The Real Me.. I’m a Registered Nurse. I’ve already written some of it at the “About” section.

The truth is, I may be a Registered Nurse, but I’m still unemployed. It has been that way for 2years now.

After passing the board exam, I was going to apply for a job but my parents didn’t allow me to apply.

I secretly applied to my preferred working place twice with two different positions, and I was hired immediately . My parents found out, and they were against it, had panic attack the day I was supposed to start, and so I rejected the job.

When I said that I wanted to become a chef and an Engineer, that was true. After highschool, I told my mom that I wanted to study Culinary or study Engineering course. I received a slap from her with her eyes full of anger after hearing me say that. She told me I won’t be receiving any support from them, and I answered her that it’s okay, I can work for my education. And because of that, she called our relatives and all them told me to take up nursing. Then the excitement inside me vanished, and I was slowly dying inside. I couldn’t do anything since I was only 16 at that time.

They chose the school where I’m going, the course I’m gonna take, and they expected me to do great at school.

Well, I survived college. I graduated, passed the board, but I can’t brag about it. I wasn’t really doing my best during those years. It felt like I wasted my time. I couldn’t feel that I was striving, I couldn’t feel anything at all.

Now that I have achieved their dream for me, what now?

I started to dream again, I may not be able to study engineering course, but my dream about being a chef started to live again.

They regretted that they didn’t allow me to study engineering now, since it was needed by my parents company. By the way, my mom already told me that I won’t receive anything from them since she said that I’m a selfish daughter.

Now, I want to become an entrepreneur. I have always wanted to have a restaurant, that was my dream. But I don’t know where to start because of my current situation.

My mom always, always say that she knows me. She knows that I’m rebellious, I’m selfish, that I always get jealous of my younger brother and younger sister, that I’m dumb, that I was competitive in a bad way,etc.. 

What she said, was that really me?

She didn’t know that I was hurting inside, that I cried when I’m alone in my room, that I was depressed, that I lost all my confidence, and that what I’m showing them was the me that’s guarding my self from all the pain.

She’ll only hate me more if I showed her my vulnerable self.

There are a lot of times when I tried to open up, but it only ended up with arguments. I didn’t have the right to open up. I stopped trying, and I ended up being irritated, being selfish, unapproachable.

I was only a daughter, I don’t have the right to share anything that will help this family. I don’t have the right to share what I feel. I have to follow everything they want me to do, always thinking that it’s for my own good.

The only times that I felt happy is when my my brother and sister is with me, and when my boyfriend is with me. I’m in a long distance relationship by the way, and we’ve been together for 7years already.

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